My tear ducts runneth over

When I was in college, my creative writing juices flowed best at night. So I wrote many a paper in the wee hours of the night/morning. I like to believe that is when I write the best...or I could just be telling myself that so I don't feel quite as bad for staying up WAY past my bedtime (whenever that is).

I think part of the reason I write better at night is because that is when my mind seems to, unfortunately, run like wildfire. Thoughts that I haven't entertained all day, week, month, will all of the sudden pop into my head. Tonight is no exception. Though it may help me to be more creative, it is rather annoying not being able to shut my mind off. I like to be in control of myself, but the mind doesn't like to be controlled.

In my 26 years of life, I have experienced a lot - for that I am grateful. Though I'd like to say all of my 'lot' is good, there have been some bad, painful and disappointing occurrences, too. I am not sure what made me think of this tonight, nothing happened, no one said anything to me that sparked this memory - it just came to me. Maybe it's the Lord's way of using my awake-I-can't-sleep time for his liking? Maybe he wants me to deal with this difficult situation? Writing has healing power, even if I don't measure up in the eyes of some.

I am, for the most part, a non-confrontational person. I don't like to get in fights. I am not a thick-skinned person. I never will be, it's not how God wired me (I love who I am btw). And I don't like to "be in trouble." Most people don't like the latter, but some handle it better than others. I am one of the "others." Being the emotional person that I am, I have a superb talent of losing all control of the tear ducts in my eyes. I cry during movie previews, commercials (especially the most recent Goodwill ones), when music is really good (you know, where you feel it to your core), reading a good book, hearing a touching quote, story, song. Heck I even cry for people - if you are hurting (or happy), I can cry with or for you, whichever you prefer.

A perfect example of my overactive tear ducts is when I was pulled over for speeding (my only speeding ticket) in Dawson, Ga. I'd driven this stretch a million times. I knew there was a speed trap, but my mind was elsewhere that day. I saw the blue lights behind me and I felt the tears coming on, I tried my hardest to stop them. I had NO reason to cry. None. But I had no control over it. It was humiliating. As I handed the police officer my license and registration, I blubbered a million times that I was so sorry I couldn't stop crying. I'm sure he thought I was just some stupid woman trying to get out of a speeding ticket. Nope, not the case for me. I could NOT stop crying. It was terrible. And to make it worse, it was an ugly cry. You know what I mean, snot and all. I guess the snot kept him from being sympathetic because he gave me the ticket anyway. I looked ridiculous. Not sure if I would have had sympathy on me or just thought I was so pathetic that I deserved the ticket. My officer fell in the latter. Oh well, that was so 2005. :)

A couple years later, another "citation" was given to me. Episode of uncontrollable tears? Check. Looking back on this situation, I wish I had stood up for myself more than I did (more like didn't). I was accused of NOT doing some things that another thought I should have done. (NOTE: To this day, I stand by my decision of not doing what this person thought I should have done.) I went with my gut. I made the right decision, no matter what other(s) may think. I was called out on this in a pretty severe way. The "calling out" was based on what another, who was not present at the time of my decision-making, brought to the attention of someone else (who was also not present for the decision). Though I was asked about this, it was not until an opinion had been formed by the accusing. It didn't matter what I said. I felt out of control, not just with myself, but with the entire situation. Maybe even if I had defended myself better, it wouldn't have mattered? My tear ducts took over. I was transported to the 2005. I couldn't speak. I felt like an idiot. I was humiliated, again. Control...what control?

What's ironic, is this happened around the exact time as my previous post about "not measuring up." I was at my lowest. Some days I feel like I am still pulling myself back up, only to slip on some rocks and start falling down again. I do know one thing, something I believe with all my heart, but I (admittedly) struggle to claim as my own: everything happens for a reason and everything can be used at one time or another for God's glory. I haven't had the chance to use the events mentioned in this post and my previous to help others yet, but maybe one day. Unfortunately, many days its so much easier to believe that nothing good will come from this miry pit I feel I've been drop kicked into. I've gone through therapy because of this (how's that for transparency?). Some days I feel I'm healing more than others. Have you ever felt this way? Like you'll never recover from a "fatal" blow? Did you recover? What did you do?
I do I just wait for it to go away?

I love advice.


    i have always loved it that you cry for me or with me whenever i've needed it. in fact, i think your ability to empathize is one of your greatest qualities. sometimes, it helps to understand that some of our best qualities can also be some of our biggest flaws.

    i've been where you are now. there have been times in my life where i've woken up and go "god, it wasn't a nightmare. this is my reality." it's hard and it hurts. i did much of what you're doing. i journaled, looked to friends for support, and waded through the depths of my soul every day. in the end, that's all you can do. you just have to sit with your emotions and try to make sense of them -- even when it hurts.

    you will get through this and it will get better. hurts and disappointments, like all things, heal in time. if you're doing things to help that progression, then you should feel proud of yourself. it means you aren't afraid to get to know yourself better. just think back on some of the obstacles that have taken me down to rock bottom in the past, and think of where i'm at now. i'm living proof that you can come out of painful situations a more rounded person.

    i am always here for you. i love you.


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